


By The Book

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-10-25
Updated: 2003-10-25
Packaged: 2018-11-21 02:14:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11347755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: There really are manuals for everything.





	By The Book

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

By The Book

### By The Book

#### by Nicholas

  


Title: By The Book  
Author: Nicholas 

E-Mail: 

Pairing: M/Sk  
Rating: NC-17   
Category: PWP, Humor 

Disclaimer: Fox Mulder, Alex Krycek, Walter Skinner and all the other X-Files characters belong to Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen Productions and 20th Century FOX Broadcasting. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made from their use. 

Notes: Beta'd by Gaby. Honestly, I have no idea how the idea for this particular story managed to settle in me, I never meant to make an attempt at writing Humor, but well, it's there now. 

\-- 

"I'm sort of new at this," Mulder heard himself say as he stared uneasily up at his boss. 'At Walter,' he corrected himself quickly, it was not work after all. 

"So am I, Mulder, so am I," Walter replied, sighing, fidgeting. His eyes were roaming around, looking at everything but the naked man in front of him. 

"Okay," Mulder began, raising the book to his eyes, reading aloud the first few really interesting lines. They had skipped the introduction. "Your lover may enjoy it if you embrace him gently, and lean the head on his shoulder. He can do the same and you'll be enjoying the closeness of skin on skin." 

"Oookay," Walter replied, preparing himself for the move. 'I can do this, I can do this,' his head chanted in an on-going mantra. Sweat was breaking out on his body, the blush moving up to his face. "Okay," he repeated, involuntarily taking a step back, his eyes searching for an escape route for a moment, before he willed himself to step forward again, holding out his arms stiffly, waiting for Mulder to move into them. 

His agent, 'Lover', he made his mind say, always the adventurous one, came two steps closer and stood ramrod straight inside the circle of Walter's arms, and inch by inch he moved closer until he felt Walter's chest-hair tickling his nipples. Walter's hands, sweaty and heavy, landed on Mulder's back, and with a surge the young man felt himself pulled close, the arms trapped by his side, squeezed tightly against Walter, who was staring straight ahead, looking as if he'd like to be everywhere but naked in that room with his very warm, very much alive agent in his arms. 'Lover, lover!' he once more willed himself to think. 

With some wriggling motion said agent pulled his arms free from Walter's steel grip, hugged him, too, only to continue reading out loud from the book over Walter's shoulder. "The next step is to move your hands up and down your partner's body, arousing him by using a variety of pressures and techniques." 

"Right," Walter said and always the good soldier, he began to move his hands on Mulder's back, prodding and poking mechanically, which gave Mulder the distinct impression that Walter might be mistaking him for a piece of meat. He finally wriggled completely out of Walter's metal clamp hands and pushed one of them to rest on his lower back, emphasizing that it should rest, not move. 

"Good, next chapter. Kissing. While you embrace your partner you may put your lips to his. Furthermore, upon opening your mouth, your tongue can dance erotically with your partner's." 

"That's easy, both of us have kissed women before," Walter smiled happily. Mulder nodded. He had kissed women before, too, and there really wasn't much of a difference, now was there? 

His right hand, the one not holding the book, moved to Walter's neck and pulled his face closer, latching onto Walter's lips with ferocity. Their lips smashed together while they each pulled the other one's head close, both of them trying to push their tongue inside the other man's mouth. Walter was the first one to forcefully pull back from Mulder's suction cap mouth, rubbing his smarting lips with a doubtful glance. 

"Right, that is not working," he remarked with a stern expression, his doubting thoughts once more returning. Mulder's dejected pout made him sigh. "Oh damn, alright, Mulder. Let's try it again. And this time no attempts to suck my brain out through my mouth. Understood?" 

"Alright, but my tongue's going down your throat," Mulder replied with a smirk on his face. No way he was gonna play the passive part of this coupling. 

Walter rolled his eyes, half annoyed, half amused by Mulder's antics to play topdog. "Oh all right, go ahead," he agreed good-naturedly, though somewhat speaking through clenched teeth. 

"Good," Mulder said, clapping his hands campily, and looking at the gift laid out for him so nicely. Mulder's look, bordering, from Walter's point of view, quite definitely on deranged, made him gasp but he quickly caught himself, before Mulder could scold him. 

Mulder advanced on Walter, his eyes determinedly transfixed on his lover's lips. Finally he caught them between his, and with the first initial contact he had already inserted his tongue into Walter's mouth, then stilled, only shyly allowing it to map its surroundings before forcing it back to its resting place within moments. Walter's growl rose impatiently in his throat until it broke the last barrier and ripped free. He had had enough of it. His tongue roared to action and literally plundered Mulder's mouth, his head in a vice grip between Walter's hands. 

With a loud smack of lips the two parted, Walter, his face glowing with pride, grinning smugly at a quite dazed Mulder. "Guess your book doesn't tell you this, eh Mulder?" he said satisfied. 

"Right, the book," Mulder said absent-mindedly, his brain was tumbling into his lower regions, as he was acutely aware of the lump forming, an appendage filling with blood. "The book," he reminded himself and with a certain amount of will-power he raised it to his eyes again, looking frantically for the page the next chapter would be found on. Finally he got lucky and started reading, his voice still shaky. 

"The next chapter, Moving On To The Act." Mulder rolled his eyes. 'Tacky, tacky.' "Right, umm, here, move to preferably the bed or any place or surface you deem suitable for the actual coupling. Before you get get started, check if you have lube and condoms available. Safety should always come first." 

Walter glanced around the room, his eyes spotting the items near the bed. "Positive," he said, once more sweating profusely, his eyes bulging out dangerously far. 

Mulder nodded at that comment, a look of efficiency and professionalism coming to his face as he continued reading. He had to keep some distance. "If you are new to gay sex you may want to keep it simple for the first time... - Right, that we want - ...Lie down next to each other on the chosen surface and start kissing, hugging and generally touching one another again." 

Mulder stopped, considering the situation and coming to the same conclusion Walter was reaching. "Okay, let's skip that part. No need to repeat experiences," said and heaved a relieved sigh when he noticed Mulder nodding, and then continued to intently listen to Mulder's voice reading from the book. 

"Well, let's move on then... Now you have a couple of choices to make. Number one, who is the one giving, who is on the receiving end? Blow-job or anal sex? Which position? Starting with the basics or trying something kinky? Our advice, especially if you are new to gay sex and/or do not yet know your partner intimately is to start with a blow-job to get to know one another." Mulder stopped once more and couldn't help to comment, "Eeew, that's gross." 

Walter's face was showing a similar feeling of distaste. "We are not new to sex anymore, so let's skip that, too," he then decided easily. 

"Good, wait, sheesh, the blow-job thing must be complicated, five pages with pictures on technique. Wow, look at that, that's-" 

"Mulder!" Walter's voice cut through Mulder's, silencing him effectively with a growl. "You go ahead reading up on the anal sex stuff now. It's not like we have hours left to lose here today." 

"Alright, anal sex. Wait, we have to lie down on the bed now." 

Walter followed Mulder into a horizontal position on top of the covers, turned onto his side, always careful to keep a distance between their bodies. Mulder was absorbed in the book, his eyes widening, his eyebrows rising to extreme heights, his face going from wrinkling in thought to wrinkling in distaste. 

"Mulder, I'm part of this, too, you know," Walter reminded Mulder, the impatience obvious in his voice. 

"Yeah, yeah, wait. They say here that by the preparing blow-job or generally after all the body contact... - guess they mean the cuddling and all that - ...both participants should be hard so that then a condom can be placed over the penis of the partner on the giving end." Mulder glanced pointedly at Walter's crotch and then at his, both their cocks hung limply. Walter cleared his throat, almost embarrassed with the disappointing state of his manhood. 

"Hmm right, what...part...do you want to play?" Mulder asked, already one step ahead. 

"Well, I really don't know," Walter replied nonchalantly, his eyes everywhere but on Mulder. "Let's flip a coin," he proposed somewhat eagerly, his fingers scratching his balls absent-mindedly. Mulder couldn't help but have his eyes drawn to that movement, before he managed to shake himself out of that entranced state. 

"A coin, yeah, do you have one?" he finally agreed, his eyes straying around the room. 

"Actually, no." Walter admitted defeated. 

"Right." 

Both men allowed their eyes to wander about the room, stealing a glance at the clock every now and then and the minutes that were ticking by. 

The ticking was loud. 

Very loud. 

Walter suppressed the sudden urge to throw something, 'just what?', to shut up the ticking. 

Mulder was trying to find some sort of melody in it. 

But there was none. There was only that ticking. 

Suddenly, a golden glow lit up Mulder's face. "The birds," he exclaimed, almost giving Walter a heart-attack with his sudden energetic re-appearance. 

"What about the birds, Mulder?" Walter asked, rather grudgingly, having been roused from the nap he had dropped into. 

Mulder now continued excitedly. "I bet that not all of the birds will stay on that roof the entire next minute. You bet they will. The winner gets to do the...you know...penetration," he ended on a whisper. 

Walter blinked, still not quite comprehending. "So I win if none of the birds fly and you win when at least one flies?" 

"Yep, way cool. Okay, the bet starts...now!" 

Mulder's nose was pressed against the window, his breath fogging the glass. Walter crept closer, barely bringing his head up to even see the birds Mulder had been referring to, but he didn't want to leave Mulder the chance to cheat on him quite that easily. Mulder counted the seconds out loud at first quite smugly but, and Walter had to give him that, he had the better chances. Nevertheless, as soon as the minute crossed halftime and neared its end, Mulder's counting became more frantic, more desperate until for the last ten seconds he banged against the window with all his might, probably to inspire the birds to take off. Walter couldn't hide the grin that was slipping onto his face upon seeing Mulder's disappointed glance and gulp. 

"Well," Mulder said, "you still have to get it up then, I suppose." The well-known smug grin was back as he stretched out on the bed, his latest private video show about to begin. 

"Right," Walter replied, the pink flush returning to his cheeks. He gestured from Mulder to his cock, his hand signs unmistakably demanding Mulder's direct participation. 

Mulder stared at him wide-eyed, shocked, wildly flailing his hands and arms in defense, drawing as close to the headboard and as far away from Walter as possible. "No way, no way, you can do that on your own." 

Walter gulped visibly, his eyes moving down to his cock, then to Mulder's eyes fixed on it, and it wilted even more if that was possible, almost trying to retreat back into his body. "Could you...could you turn around for a moment, Mulder?" he stammered quietly. Obediently, 'a sight for sore eyes', Mulder turned once more and immersed himself in the view out through the window while Walter tried to concentrate on the task at hand, literally speaking. His hand drifted down and he closed his eyes to draw up a somewhat sexy image that could cause at least minimum feelings of arousal. Frantically the spotlight of his mind was going through the file cabinets that he deemed appropriate enough for the small adventure still ahead. Finally there it was, blonde, big-breasted and willing. 

He coughed to rouse Mulder's interest once more. The younger man turned around and his gaze immediately traveled down to Walter's cock, noticing the red, proud cock with glee, almost clapping his hands again, only stopped by Walter's glare. He dragged his eyes from the nice sight presented to him to reach for the book once more. 

"Now me, you sort of have to prepare me," he stated matter-of-factly, grinning madly. 

"I don't think so, Mulder. I did my part alone, you manage yours on your own, too." Walter replied, equally firm. 

"Aww, you're such a spoilsport." Mulder pouted for a moment before grabbing the lube, heaving exasperated sighs to convey his annoyance, then once more reading the instructions in the book. He was aware of Walter's eyes on him and strangely enjoyed that attention. He squeezed some of the lube on his fingers, threw it aside and then tried to circle in on his hole. In the process of locating the target he managed to smear the lube all over his cheeks, before zeroing in on the tight muscle and making contact. Accompanied by groans of discomfort and strangeness he pushed in one of his fingers up to the first knuckle, rotating it tentatively. 

"Sure feels strange," he commented to Walter and ignored his partner's look of distaste upon seeing Mulder's fingers disappear in his ass. "You know, strange, but sort of cool, too. And that sound sure is funny." Then he shut up and listened closely to the slickening motion of the gel pushed into his hole. He started giggling, earning an eye-rolling and an indignant cough from Walter. 

"Right, let's get serious," he continued while standing up and checking his looseness once more. "I guess I'm quite ready now, looks good, if you ask me. The book? Ah there." Mulder skimmed the next few paragraphs then put the book away. "Preparation done, next, getting into position. Obviously, the easiest is doggy style...- Ugh, now that's not how I'd seen it in my fantasy. Nope, not at all. There were cuddles and flowers and us in unimaginable positions. You had your legs like this and -" 

"Mulder!" Walter roared, his naked sub-ordinate's wide-eyed, innocent stare on him. 

"What?!" Mulder bellowed back. "What's the matter? You don't like my fantasies, you don't like me? Oh, I'm hurt now, Walter. That's so typical of you guys, Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, uhh, man. And you don't really want me, do you?" Mulder sighed dramatically, pressing the back of his hand against his forehead, faking a faint perfectly. 

"I just want to keep it easy, Mulder. To spare you the disappointment, in case it won't be like in your fantasy," Walter gave in grudgingly, his hand once more on his cock to keep it from wilting even further. 

"Oh good," Mulder exclaimed, his world whole again. "Into position then." He hopped onto the bed, placed himself on all fours, wriggling his ass in what he considered an enticing way. Walter followed behind closely, looking at Mulder's bottom as if it were an object to be x-rayed or dissected. He reached out with careful fingers and touched the surface lightly, trying unsuccessfully to ignore the giggles coming from the owner of the butt. With his eyes squeezed to mere slits he spread the cheeks, his mouth open in concentration, the tip of his tongue touching his upper lip. "Just push it in, right?" he asked tentatively, eyeing first the tiny opening suspiciously, then his not quite the hardest it had ever been but still impressive cock. 

"Just push in. Should go easy," Mulder demanded impatiently, pushing back against Walter's hands on his backside. A look of grim determination crossed Walter's features, somehow he would fit it in there, 'it had to work'. 

Inching closer to its target, he moved forward until the tip of his cock touched the rim of Mulder's hole. 'Target: located', Walter thought, grinning to himself. That wasn't so hard after all. He pushed quite a bit more, no time to rest, trying somehow, just somehow to get the head through the tight little ring of muscle. There was perspiration forming on Walter's forehead, small droplets that started to form rivulets running from his bald head, over his shoulders, down his back. 

Mulder was wriggling wildly, biting his lip, almost making it bleed while trying not to start screaming. Finally, the head popped in, groans came from both men and Walter stopped for a moment, panting due to the physical exertion. Mulder remained rigid, his sphincter spasming periodically around Walter's cock, trying to dislocate and at the same time to pull more of it inside. 

Eventually with the first real bit of air he was able to draw he gasped loudly, "Just go on, dammit." Then he braced himself for the push and shove which followed immediately afterwards, his wish being Walter's command. With more shoving, slick gliding and sweat flowing freely, Walter fully embedded himself in Mulder, up to the hilt, then collapsed on Mulder's back, almost bring both of them down flat. Mulder held both of them up with the strength in his arms, his eyes trying to find the open book and the further instructions. 

"Alright Walter," he spoke with clenched teeth, "now move, back and forth, slowly." 

"What? Move?" Walter repeated dizzily, not feeling particularly like moving ever again in any way, much less put effort into such physical activities at that very moment. "But it's so nice and warm and comfy just now. I don't want to move." 

"Maybe you don't but I want to feel something nice, too." With that Mulder pushed back, making Walter groan in a mix of disappointment and pleasure. Now the warm feeling was replaced by a tight squeezing sensation that he wasn't quite sure about yet, though he could settle on it feeling extremely awkward. 

The noises Mulder made sounded determined but there was no pleasure in them. Only work. And work both of them did. Focussed on making it perfect both gave their best, moving in sync at times, completely out of it moments later. Both were muttering under their breaths urging themselves on not to perform disappointingly. 

Walter was praying that his hardness wouldn't disappear, while Mulder's thoughts coursed around the topic of just how sore he'd be tomorrow. 'Very sore', he concluded. Then the birds came to his mind again, and how there once had been this case of birds eating brains and there was Scully and the Bureau and the case he was currently working and... His movements had stilled, his thoughts solely transfixed on the job and only a particularly hard push from Walter brought him back to the present. So he continued moving with the pushes, lazily, bored almost, his gaze locked on the window. 

Walter's thoughts drifted also, from the round pert cheeks of Mulder's ass, to the round pert bottom of his assistant, to the Bureau, the files on his desk, Mulder's files on his desk, the new cell phones he had to order for him, the budget meeting and the figures he had yet to present. 'Those figures, damn those meetings', and he pushed particularly hard to voice his frustration. 

After that he tried to focus on the sex again, not quite succeeding in finding the pleasure, therefore settling on making it good for Mulder, moving steadily, staring out of the window, almost bored. 

So they moved, back and forth, back and forth, steadily, lazily, waiting, almost, waiting for... 

Doo-diddledum-dum-doo. Doo-diddledum-dum-doo. 

"The alarm on your cell phone, Walter," Mulder exclaimed, right after both men had heaved an almost happy sigh hearing the signal. 

"Right." Walter pulled out unceremoniously, distaste on his face once more when he saw the state his penis was in, smeared with lube and substances he didn't even want to think about too closely. 

Walter got up from the bed, moving into the bathroom, picking up the easy conversation again. "You know you and Scully have a meeting with me at four?" 

"Of course, sir, we'll be there," Mulder replied cheekily, joining his 'now again' boss in the bathroom to clean up, too. 

"Do you have the reports finished, Mulder?" Walter went on while he cleaned his cock under the running water in the shower, rubbing carefully over the flesh. 

"I still have three hours, sir. No hurry now," Mulder grinned in reply. 

They both dressed back in their suits and Mulder pocketed the little book. 

"How many more?" Walter asked while opening the door of the motel room. 

"Chapters? About ten, I think." 

"Well then," Walter said, "same time tomorrow." 

"You are already permanently etched into my calendar for lunch break, sir." 

Then they parted ways: Mulder, slightly bowlegged. 'That anal sex stuff really hurts like a bitch', he mused. Walter with a spring in his step, whistling softly while he made his way to the car. His cock, that really felt bruised, made its presence known every now and then. Someday he would have to convince Mulder to do it without the book. 

It would give their little interlude the appearance of being a little different to the rest of the day following the manuals.   
  

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Nicholas


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